Attack of the MarySue and Clichés!
by Swimmerkitti
Summary: I got sick of reading all the stupid stories with Mary-Sues and clichés. So sick of them that I combined the elements that appeared most often to write the most horrific story possible. Read at risk of losing IQ points. You have been warned!
1. Katalina The Great

I hate Mary-Sues and clichés. I hate them. Every time I see a story where a new girl comes to Horace Green I about puke. I got sick of reading all the variations of the tragedy and woe the Mary-Sue must face and decided to combine them all into one horrific story. Here, I would say enjoy, but it would be more appropriate to hate this story. Hate!

It was a beautiful, sunny day at Horace Green High. All the kids were excited because, of course, they were starting their junior year, which meant all of them had driver's licenses and were 17. They were also super happy because they knew there was a new kid coming to the school today. They didn't know if this person was a girl or boy, and never expected the wonderful Mary-Sue cliché that would befall them.

Dewey, who was miraculously still their teacher, even though they weren't in fifth grade anymore. Actually, he stopped being their teacher after Battle of the Bands, but shhh this is a Mary-Sue chock full of clichés so no one needs to know that. 

Anyway, Miss Mullins, who was also miraculously still their principal, rapped on the door 15 minutes after class started. Oh yeah, the class was the same 15 kids from before, for cliché sake. 

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but we had a new student arrive late," she said as she stepped aside to let the new kid walk in. Everyone's eyes were instantly glued to her. Freddy's jaw dropped and he stopped drumming with his fingers on his desk the moment he saw her. 

"Dude," he whispered to Zack, who was, of course, sitting beside him. "Damn she's HOTT!"

Zack rolled his eyes and returned to writing lyrics for the ever-upcoming Battle of the Bands 2. Because that always happens.

Dewey also happened to think she was dang thexy, so he wiped drool from his mouth as he said, "Okay then, why don't you stand at the front of the room and introduce yourself?"

The tall girl with a GREAT body (because Mary-Sues are perfect), black hair cut into a short layered cut, kinda like Katie's, and stunning, amazing, hypnotic, etc. bright blue eyes. They stood out like a demon in Heaven…or something. She took a deep breath, and with amazing confidence gushed, "My name is Katalina Marietta Rosario VonStraussenbergerbakinstein. But you can call me Kat. I have lived in Chicago, Berlin, and Paris before moving here to New York. I swim, run track, play soccer, softball, and I dance and take baton. I love music, especially rock, and I love bad boys," she finished up with a devilish smile, her stunning blue eyes twinkling.

"Oh yeah!" Freddy murmured to himself, grinning. This girl was gonna be a lot of fun.

"You can take that seat next to Marta, okay? She's the blonde one with pigtails," Dewey said to Kat.

As Kat walked to her seat, she swayed her hips from side to side on purpose and flipped her hair. She noticed a punky, cute guy with blonde spiked hair gawking at her as she sat down. She almost frowned because the really hot guy sitting next to him with sexy black hair wasn't even looking at her. 

The girl, Marta, whispered to her and told her about all the kids, and how they were in a band, the whole class long up until lunch. Dewey, of course, didn't notice.

The conversation carried into lunch, as all the girls were talking to Kat. They were gossiping about which boys they liked.

"Hey Marta, guess who's coming to talk to us," Alicia excitedly said as she saw Freddy walking toward their table.

"Ohmygosh no way! Freddy?" Marta squealed, then realized Kat was there and covered her mouth with her hands, all color draining from her face. 

"You like Freddy?" Kat questioned.

Marta nodded meekly as she said, "Don't tell ANYONE please…please keep it a secret."

"Don't worry, it's safe with me," Kat said, as she smirked inwardly. She saw how Freddy looked at her when she made her entrance. Now how could she use this to her advantage….

Kat was snapped out of her scheming when Freddy casually came up behind her. Marta's eyes opened wide and she started shaking. Freddy didn't notice, because he was busy asking Kat to come to the band practice tonight to see if there was a place for Kat in the band. They agreed for Freddy and Marta, who were neighbors, to meet up at Kat's house before practice, then take her to it. 

Through the rest of the day, Marta, who was in ALL of Kat's classes because that's just convenient for the 'plot', schemed with Kat on ways to get Freddy to like Marta.

Every single kid that matters to this story, which is like 5 kids, went home happy. Especially Katalina, because the rest of these kids didn't know one very important thing all highschoolers should know: never, ever trust a Mary-Sue. 

Dun, dun, dun…clichés galore next chapter!


	2. Perfection and Drama

Before I start this horrific chapter, HUGE THANKS to my reviewers! I love you all! Oh yeah…I think I need a disclaimer. Well, I don't own anything except the oh-so-wonderful Kat!!!

The group was at band practice later that day. It was held in Dewey and Ned's old apartment, which will probably the only thing accurate to the movie in this story. The kids there consisted of Freddy, Zack, Marta, Tomika, Alicia, Lawrence, Katie, Summer, and Kat. No one else was needed, because this is a Mary-Sue/Cliché-fest, so they won't even be in the rest of the story and you can forget about them.

  
  
Back to Kat…I mean the story. 

"So, Kat," Dewey said, "What instruments can you play?"

"Well…I can play pretty much anything. It comes as a natural gift."

"Awesome! Go play the bass part from a Blink-182 song."

Katie got a look of outrage on her face as Kat stepped over and took the bass. "Blink-182 isn't rock! What the Hell are you talking about?"

"Shut up Katie. Obviously Kat knows what she's doing, and if she agrees that Blink-182 is rock, it must be," Dewey snapped.

Katie sat down with a look of resentment aimed at Kat. Marta barely noticed any of this, because she was staring at Freddy, who barely noticed any of this, because he was taking Ritalin. Damn he's hot when he's taking his medication Marta sighed to herself.

Kat went on to successfully play the bass, electric guitar, drums, keyboard, and sing even better than Tomika.

"Daaaaang!" Dewey said with satisfaction. Everyone nodded in agreement. "Since you're so good at everything, you get to be Assistant Band Manager!" Everyone clapped, except for Freddy. He was too busy staring at Marta, which of course she noticed as her heart soared with happiness. Kat was satisfied too, because she noticed that absolute THEXY BEAST named Zack was grinning at her.

Band practice finished up an hour later. Their Battle of the Bands 2 song was almost perfect; thanks to the advice Kat gave. They were all exiting the building as they saw their parents pull up, except for Freddy and Marta. They were neighbors and lived only a block away from Dewey, so they just walked together everyday. Soooo convenient. 

They were both silent today, until they got to Marta's sidewalk. "Bye Freddy," she said as she turned to walk to her door. 

"Wait!" he said suddenly and grabbed her by the shoulders. "Marta, I have something I seriously need to ask you."

Marta was all ears now. Was he finally gonna ask her out?!?!

"You're pretty good friends with Kat right?" he asked.

Her heart skipped a beat. A confused expression plastered itself to her face. "What? What does that have to do with us?"

"What are you talking about? Well, anyway, since you're friends with her I figured you'd know her best…so…do you think I have a chance with her?" Freddy asked. He was kind of confused now too.

"Like shut UP! Ohmygawd you so totally do not like…like her!"

He hesitated. "Yes, yes there is. Marta, I really, really like her and I was wondering if you knew a way to help me. You know, convince her to like me because I really do want to go out with-"

Marta stopped listening. She tore herself away from Freddy and ran sobbing into her house, slamming the door behind her.

"Damn PMS," Freddy muttered as he shrugged and walked over to his house.

5thFantana, that last little bit Freddy said was dedicated to you lol. Hope you all like it, next chapter of melodrama pauses to snicker will be up later today or tomorrow!


	3. Cutter

Glad I'm getting positive reviews, I never expected it to be this popular! Well I'm all sad because I can't get the squiggly lines I ALWAYS put between stuff in fan fictions and I can't use asterisks either because that's how I always showed them thinking to themselves. So until someone tells me why that's happening, I'm going to put thoughts in italics. I know a lot of people already use italics; I just like using asterisks better. Well, here's the next monstrosity. This part is kinda disturbing…

__

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Marta thought to herself as she ran up to her bedroom and slammed the door. She took a knife that for some odd reason was on top of her dresser and cut her arms up with it. _I hate Freddy, I hate Kat, I hate EVERYONE AHHH MY LIFE IS SOOO HORRIBLE _she thought as she sliced and diced away…

Now we're gonna go to the next day at school. Did you just say something? Excuse me, no plot development? Well I'm the one writing this heinous crapola, so deal with the lack of character and plot development! I DO have to write it the same way other people do….

Anyway, the class was at band practice. Katalina played flute today, she was so good she got to choose whatever she felt like playing! Marta was playing flute beside her. They were suddenly on a 5 minute break. The girls were chatting together, when suddenly a red drip of blood oozed out from Marta's sleeve.

"Like, OH MY GAWD!!" Kat screamed. She picked up Marta's arm, and as Marta tried to pull away, Kat tugged on the sleeve and pulled it up. All the girls gasped like WOAH and a few minutes later Kat was dragging a screaming Marta to the nurse.

Kat was dragging her by the legs just fine, when a mysterious person she'd never seen before jumped out of the janitor's closet. This was a girl, about the same age, with blonde hair, glasses, and a llama t-shirt on. "MY NAME IS KELSEY, AND DAMMIT I OWN FREDDY SO YOU CAN STEP OFF!!!!"

Kat was very experienced in martial arts, so she kicked Kelsey in the head and knocked her out. She sighed, and continued to the nurse's office, dragging Kelsey and Marta each by a leg in one of her hands. They reached the nurse's office a few minutes later.

Kat discarded the freaky girl on the little cot bed thing. The nurse stared at the girl on the cot for a few seconds before shaking her head back to reality.

"Oooookay…well what's up with the slightly more sane looking one?" she asked.

Kat went on to tell about Marta, how she found out Marta was cutting her arms.

Ten minutes later, Kat returned to music. She announced that Marta might not be back for a long time so Dewey appointed her Marta's replacement singer, and also replaced Tomika as lead singer.

Freddy was shocked and he was starting to like Kat less and less…because since she came a lot of things changed. And when he forgot his meds, he didn't like change. It was dangerous. But these poor children didn't know the real extent of her danger…yet.

Marta woke up several hours later. She seemed to be completely surrounded by white. She blinked several times and her eyes adjusted, revealing her arm was heavily bandaged and she was in a straightjacket in a padded room.

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU KAT IF IT'S THE LAST THING I EVER DO I SWEAR-_"_

Marta's hysterical screams were cut off when a bunch of dudes in white coats came in and gagged and restrained her.

Well then, I hope you liked your guest appearance tmrwspromise!!! And don't you guys hate it when people have kids cut themselves for no reason? I mean I've seen a few good ones, but most of the ones where the kids turn into cutters are crappy. Hence my cliché in this chapter. Hope yinz liked it!


	4. Of Goths and Groupies

Much thanks to my awesome reviewers! Here's the next chapter, I'm sorry they take so long! I have softball, baton, or dance every single stinkin day of the week except Sunday and Monday, so please be patient with the chapters! I'm really sorry this is so short! Oh yeah, and for the record, this is my all time favorite quote. I just saw it on a Seinfeld rerun. "Serenity now…sanity later!!!"

* * *

About two weeks after Marta was put away in the psych ward, the band had taken a new turn. It had all started one day when Kat came to band practice wearing a very….interesting….outfit.

"Hey guys! Like, what do you think of my new style? I so totally think the band should turn…gothic…" she said. She dyed her hair in streaks of red, black, and white. She had her eyebrow pierced 3 times, her nose, her lip, and many on her ears. She was wearing a skintight black shirt with red safety pins all through it, and a red leather miniskirt and black thigh-high combat boots.

Zack broke the uncomfortable silence by saying, "Um…hate to break it to you, Kat, but that isn't exactly gothic…"

SNAP! She pulled out a leather whip from nowhere and snapped it right in front of his face. "Zack hun you better listen to me good. If I say it's gothic, it's gothic. We are now….SCHOOL OF GOTH!"

Everyone was terrified of her, so they just nodded and started taking orders from this psycho queen. _Man, _Freddy thought, as she pushed Billy up against a wall and threatened to puncture his throat with her sharpened fingernails because he didn't like her style. _That chick is way messed up! No way I like her now…._

Zack on the other hand had different thoughts on her. _Wow, she's really brave for coming in here and changing us…and she is kinda hot, so maybe she does know what she's talking about._

Katalina triumphantly smiled. She was getting closer to accomplishing her goal. She didn't quite know what it was, but she knew she almost got it!

Two weeks after that, they were transformed into "School of Goth." They were at the Battle of the Bands. It actually didn't matter that they pretended to be "goth" because the music was about the same, just slightly more like something to slit your wrist to. Pity music.

Anyway, the show was great, and they won first place of course!!!! Like so totally awesome!

The band stayed overnight in a local hotel. _(Cue seductive music)_ Everything else was fine, except Summer saw Freddy go off with some girl with a name tag that said "Hello, my name is Wyverna." The girl also had dyed blue and black hair, and blue eyes. Summer just thought it was typical Freddy and let it go. The rest of the band had a fun time in the hotel pool, and obviously no one noticed Freddy was missing because that would ruin Wyverna's appearance!

The next morning they woke up to the sound of sirens. It turns out, Freddy was found asleep in a janitor closet, with the body of that girl Summer saw next to him. Yes, body. When Summer saw on the news report that the girl had claw marks all over her neck, resembling cat claws, Summer knew it could only be one person. Kat…

* * *

The next chapter will, sadly, be the last one if all goes as planned. I kinda ran out of inspiration…so leave me review ideas that aren't guest appearances, and I might extend the story! Oh yeah, I really hope those page breaks I put in work right...


	5. Massages and Toad Herds?

I'm cracking up as I write this. I would like to thank the biggest dumbasses of all time, Legolaslover and Iluvfalmingpeoplewhototallydeserveit. First of all it's flaming. Not falming. And second of all, what kind of idiot can't tell that this is a parody? You fricking morons, how damn stupid do you have to be to not notice the sarcasm/the fact that it is in the parody section? You fricking pieces of crap. If I knew you I'd probably kill you and laugh over your bodies. Haha that would be great. Well, that's a little harsh...

And THANK YOU!!! To all the people who understood the humor, and have been supportive in this! It really means a ton! And thank you JustVisitingUKGirl for some ideas for this! And ocean princess, a Mary-Sue is when someone puts a version of themself into a story. Except this person is perfect, has an exotic name, and in the case of this story, she can play every instrument. If it was Harry Potter, she is smarter and prettier than Hermione. They are quite disgusting. The exotic name thing is like…my name is Kaitlin Marie Rose and hers is Katalina Marietta Rosalina or something equally stupid. Hope this clears things up for you. And I also thought the whole quote was "Serenity now…sanity later" instead of 'insanity later'??? Anyway, onto the story.

* * *

It was a few days later, and the band was in their van on the way back to New York City. Katalina was there, avoiding Summer. She knew Summer did it. Summer knew she knew she knew. Katalina knew Summer knew that she knew that she knew. Summer was just biding her time, waiting for the right moment to strike. She had a master plan figured out.

Zack and Freddy were in their own little corner of their massive tour van, talking to themselves.

"Hey, Zack, you wanna give me a massage?"

"What're you talking about?"

"My back hurts?" Freddy hopefully responded.

"Dude…are you trying to hit on me?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Because you just asked me in a really flirty voice if I wanted to massage you!" Zack said in confusion. But suddenly something dawned on him. "Woah, you really want me to massage you???"

"Only if you want me, baby." Freddy coyly said back.

Then the van went over a gigantic bump in the road and for some reason the boys both screamed "HOLY SHIT" really loud at the same time. They warily looked at each other and agreed to forget what just happened. They spent the rest of the van trip carefully avoiding each other.

By the time the van pulled back at the School of Rock building, the kids were all tired, so they decided to have a huge sleepover! Yay! So Dewey ordered them pizzas, and he left at 11pm. This meant the kids were unchaperoned, which was exactly what Summer had arranged with Dewey earlier. Of course, in most stories this would be the appropriate setting for other, much different things to go on. But none of that in this story.

The kids were all sitting around listening to Evanescence and it made them want to cut their wrists, but they all restrained from doing that. After half an hour of sitting in silence listening to Evanescence (how IS that possible? Silence with music? Ehh whatever…) Summer remembered the plan.

"Katalina, come here for a minute," she said, leading Kat into the kitchen. "Kat, do you like Zack?" Summer asked.

"Well….yeah, I guess. I know it is only a matter of time before I seduce him and make him worship- err I mean make him fall in love with me."

"I see. Well, I think he likes you. And there's only one way to tell. See it's the custom here to kiss people for no apparent reason. I think you should do it…."

"Okay…wow that's such a cool custom! I'm gonna go for it as soon as we go back in."

"HUMMINGBIRD!" Summer screamed for no apparent reason.

"What was that?" Katalina asked.

"Code word," Summer muttered under her breath.

"Excuse me?"

"I said toad herd."

"I didn't know toads traveled in herds," Katalina said.

"Well, you learn something new every day, now don't you!" Summer responded.

"Um…sure, I guess," said Kat as they made their way back to the living room where they jammed. (A.K.A. were still listening to Evanescence.)

Katalina walked over to Zack, and kissed him! Zack smiled a mile wide as she pulled away. He smiled even harder as she dropped to the floor, screaming in pain. The members of School of Rock all stood up and high-fived each other. The mission was accomplished.

* * *

So that's the next to last cliché filled chapter. Just so you know, I don't hate all of Evanescence songs, but seriously, some of them are tracks _made_ for cutters. I hope you all like it, and I'm really sorry for the wait! One more chapter. I'm really gonna miss writing this. And, if anyone has requests for something they want me to put in that I haven't so far, put it in a review or email me ASAP! Thanks guys!


	6. Clichéfest

This is probably the last and final chapter of my Mary-Sue bashing story. …tear…but there might be a sequel some time this summer. And I didn't realize that what happened at the end of the last chapter didn't turn out right. It was supposed to be a cliffhanger. But then again, that doesn't matter, because I'm sure I did it Mary-Sue style without even trying to.

Onto some thank-yous.

Wyverna (my biggest fan)- thank you so much for the inspiration for this chapter!

Stellar17- haha loser I'm not even gonna waste my time

Saxaphone- Thank you so much!!!

PheonixFireBlack- ack! You're finally back! I'm glad you like this, now you better R&R this then get writing more of your stuff!

Curliegurlie687- sooo right Danielle!

Cleo- thank you also for ideas used in this chapter, I completely forgot about the things you and Wyverna mentioned!

* * *

The band members were high-fiving each other. Katalina was dead! See, they are smart super-sleuth mystery solvers for some reason now, and Summer came up with a plan. They got these things from the Black Market. It was lipgloss that was only able to be worn by a guy. If a girl kissed the guy while he was wearing it, it was deadly poisonous to her. Zack shuddered at the thought of wearing lipgloss, but they all knew someone had to take a hit for the team, because Billy was the only guy who would wear it willingly, but Kat wouldn't kiss him. So poor Zack took that hit for the team.

But he realized it was all worth it as her body started to melt into a puddle, and the puddle evaporated into the air and up into the air duct. "That, my friends, is what happens to Mary-Sues around here," Summer said as they stared blankly at the floor still.

Now off to finish the clichés.

The band got a gig at their school dance a few days after turning into School of Rock again and removing all the damn safety pins from their equipment and outfits. As they got there, they were informed that a new band was found! The new band was consisted of Lauren the keyboardist; Zakia the girl on electric guitar; a guy named Kade on bass; singers Tommy, Alex, and Mark; female drummer Fritzi; and manager Autumn. How coincidental!!!

"Oh well. Too bad a band exactly like us took our place. Let's go party! Katie come make out with me!" Zack asked. So they went off to a corner.

Eleni and Michelle followed Freddy off somewhere…wink wink….

Summer and Lawrence for some reason decided to like each other. Go figure.

Let's see…who is left that I can make a pairing that makes no sense with? Oh I know! How about…Alicia and Gordon, Marta and Marco, Tomika and Leonard, and Frankie with Billy. There we go, now we have everyone paired up for the sake of having them paired up! Yay!

* * *

A few days later, the band was back in Dewey's old apartment. Summer called attention. "Guys, we need to think about where this band is going. Seriously. With me at all these prestigious programs, Zack's dad abusing him-oh shut up Zack, it's not like we didn't know-, Lawrence in philharmonic crap, Tomika at fat camp, and everyone else in all these things, I don't know how much longer we can stay together."

The other kids murmured in agreement. "And it's not like we're that great anyway, the other night was a total failure."

"It was not!" Freddy indignantly yelled.

"Get your hands outta there Jones...ick….anyway, I think this has to be the end."

"BITCH!" Katie screamed, picking up her bass, and dragging Zack and his guitar after her out of the apartment.

"Whatever, I'm late with the drug deale- I mean tutor anyway. Later," Freddy said as he ran out the door. He needed that ecstasy really bad!

Everyone else left. Summer was in the apartment all by herself anyway. She smiled with satisfaction. More time for having fun with her boyfriend from another town! Yee-haw!

But Summer wouldn't have smiled. The band wouldn't have left. They wouldn't have been happy. They would be terrified. Dead terrified. If only one of them had seen the bright, hypnotizing blue eyes staring out at them from the air duct…DUN DUN DUN.

* * *

Oh yes. I definitely smell a sequel now. I went into this chapter 20 minutes ago with absolutely no idea how to end this. Then I realized something. Mary-Sues and clichés DON'T end! They just keep going and going and going, leaving doom and destruction in their wake.

Which is why you should all tune in when I eventually write….THE RETURN OF THE MARYSUE AND CLICHES!!! DUN DUN DUN!

One more huge, huge thanks to all my faithful reviewers! I love you all!!

Kaitlin


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